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Raglinus University

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April 19, 2011 by Garrett Mitchener

Raglinus University is in an alternate dimension, where students learn every subject much like they learn math in our dimension.  A particularly entertaining class is Dr. Zarves’s introduction to cooking.  Dr. Zarves used to teach at Wayside school, but she retired a few years ago and now teaches as an adjunct at Raglinus U.

On Monday, she led the class in a lecture and hands-on exercise in following recipes.  They made burritos: Fry some ground beef with onions and spices, add beans and rice, put the mixture into a tortilla and wrap it up.  Simple enough, the students all said they understood.  So, she gave them homework: “Here’s a printout of a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.  Follow it, and bring the cookies to class on Wednesday.”  The results were… interesting.

“Heather,” she began, “these blobs of goo aren’t even cooked!  Didn’t you bake them?”

“I put them in the oven just like the recipe said.”

“Did it even warm them up?”

“No.  Was it supposed to?”

“Did you turn the oven on?”

“I thought I might have forgotten a step.”

“Why is this goo so salty?”

“I don’t know”

“It’s not even sweet!  How much sugar did you put in?”

“I used salt instead of sugar.  They’re the same thing aren’t they?”

“No!”

In exasperation, Dr. Zarves finally said, “Heather, you’re smart, and you made it to college.  Have you seriously never made cookies before?”

“This recipe was supposed to make cookies?”

The test on Friday was even more … interesting.  Dr. Zarves gave each student a grill, a spatula, a plate with ground beef, and a bun.  She gave them a printout of a very simple minimal recipe for hamburgers.  She even let them take the test open book and open notes.

A short while later, she noticed some commotion: Pete had dumped the ground beef on the floor, closed the grill, put the bun on top of the grill, and was banging on it with the plate.

“Pete, what are you doing!?”

“I need a tortilla.”

“Why?”

“We had one on Monday.  It’s in my notes.”

“But this is a recipe for hamburgers.  You don’t need a tortilla.”

“So I only need a tortilla for making burritos?”

“Well, that and some other things, but not hamburgers.”

“But I only need a tortilla for making burritos?”

“Sort of.”

“How do I know when I need a tortilla?”

“The recipe will say so.”

Blank stare.

“Rule of thumb: if it’s a Tex-Mex recipe and it calls for one.  This recipe is for hamburgers.”

“I don’t know how to make a hamburger.  Can I make a burrito instead for partial credit?”


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