Haunted Hearts & Haunted Homes
Love Advice Columns From Your Fav Gothic Heroines
Always the Witch, Never the Wife – We Have Always Lived in the Castle
The world tells you in order to find love you have to put yourself out there, and be yourself. What if “myself” is too much, and “out there” is too far out of my comfort zone? Here’s the thing, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, people’s typical reactions to me are as if they were expecting green tea and they got sweet. If someone would just let me love them, they would realize that I would go to the ends of the earth, actually to the moon, to keep them safe. But it seems like I am as attracted to toxic people as I am to toxic mushrooms. So I need you ghouls to help a witch out. The dating scene sucks on this side of the gate, and when I say bad I mean BAD…my sister got so desperate she was considering dating my cousin- thank the devil that’s over. But anyway, I’m looking for a partner who is willing to grovel for a ghastly gothic ghoul. So here is my official “souls wanted” ad, an attempt at finding my soulmate from within my comfort zone, so ghouls seriously don’t be a bunch of witches and share! My non-negotiables are: likes long walks around the habitable rooms of my estate, doesn’t heed public opinion, able to navigate the dark recesses of my psyche and return unscathed, and ultimately doesn’t mind their girl a little…feral. First date ideas: howling at the moon, candlelight dinner prepared by my sister, pretending to hex villagers, or seeing who can design the perfect murder. Okay ghouls, I know one of you has a spooky friend who you think spends too much time in the dark, or has a special interest in deadly things. There isn’t a single soul in the village who is brave enough to nibble at this offer so I am relying on you to send some my way. And to anyone out there who is interested, and isn’t afraid to have a little sprinkle of danger with your breakfast, swing by and maybe I’ll let you in.
Mad, Bad, and Morally Grey – Jane Eyre
In love, timing is everything. But no one ever tells you it will never be the right time. Before I get into the nitty gritty, let me remind you all, I am a practical girl and I know if I have to say that…it’s bad. But hear me out, I didn’t know he was married and as soon as I found out I high-tailed it out of there! Except there is one little issue, and I am not trying to be dramatic… let’s be real, you know me… I swear I can hear him calling my name when the wind blows. Okay… I read how that sounds, and if I keep going this way he may lock me in the attic next. Speaking of which, girls I need your advice, is it a red-flag if your fiance tries to marry you before he tells you his wife is locked away upstairs? Keep in mind, he did say she’s crazy…but isn’t that how every man talks about his ex? I am really struggling with this one, I mean he is utterly obsessed with me, and who doesn’t love someone who would burn it all down for you? I am at a loss, but I know one thing for sure, he is way way hotter than my cousin, who, did I mention, is trying to marry me?! What is wrong with men today? It’s either they have a secret wife, or they are some weird long lost relative who thinks you were sent to them by God. I mean can we chill? This was not divine intervention, this was a mid-life crisis. How many girls do you know that find out their fiance has a wife on their wedding day? So here is the real question- what do I do about this incessant feeling that he needs me, and that I can fix him? I know it’s bad, but I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I woke up one morning and we were able to act like that wife never existed. Maybe we can get past this, because at this point waiting is going to end with me locked away and fantasizing what I would look like on my wedding day.
How to Lose Your Mind While Being Told Your Husband Knows Best (Spoiler Alert: He Doesn’t) – “The Yellow Wallpaper”
Is it just me or do you want to pull your hair out every time you look at your husband? You’re right, wallpaper, it’s not just me, welcome to marriage besties! I hope you are excited for a life of constant disappointment and such utter boredom that the way wallpaper begins peeling itself off the wall becomes the sexiest thing in your life. I swear if I could go back I would rather re-live the disappointment of a bad first date, or worrying about spinach in my teeth, than deal with a man who thinks he can mansplain what’s going on in my head. Sir, you aren’t privy to a quarter of what goes on up there and I promise you are better off for it… actually now that I think about it maybe I should show you…what is it that they always say…the truth will set you free? What do you think besties? Do I show him the real me? Speaking of the real me, can one of you please show me which one of us is really in the wallpaper, because at this point I think we are all living the same life. But that’s what it’s like, dating, marriage, all of it, why do you think you like my columns so much- it’s because you are me and I am you bestie and the best way out is over. Over the edge that is. Or over his dead body, or whatever he said when I told him I was going to escape him. But until then, I will keep watching the wall undress itself, hell maybe I’ll help, this has been my most stimulating relationship yet, to hell with rest.
You Can’t Gaslight A Girl Who’s Already Made Up The Whole Story – Northanger Abbey
Once upon a time love was about brooding men, haunted manors and swooning. Now, it’s all about boring hours in the tea room spent trying to avoid that obsessive sniveling guy who thinks we are in love. What happened to romanticism? I want the spine tingling fear of something new and exciting. Where are all my brooding Byronic babes at? Okay- but real talk- I think I may have found the one… he’s tall, dark, handsome, and loves to ghost. Here’s the deal though, how do I ditch the sniveling weirdo, without disappointing my bestie girl because get this- Mr. Obsessed With Me is her brother! It’s getting to the point where I am beginning to think that she wants us together…but are you really even my friend if you think forced carriage rides are my idea of a good time? Anyway back to Mr. Moody and Broody, and my bookish girlies will get this, but my man isn’t afraid to admit he reads novels- talk about emotional intelligence, amiright? I just know after our steamy walk the other day that he sees me as his Emily St. Aubert, and let me just say, “hold up Valancourt, because I’m coming for you baby!”. Every girl knows that the ultimate win is a trip with your new man, so that’s what I am after now, and I have the perfect place in mind! I am going to convince Mr. Moody and Broody, that he wants to take me back to his place… listen, I realize that this is forward, but he lives in an old haunted abbey and I am nothing if not a girl after her happily ever after. I have it all planned out already, there will be locked doors, startling and steamy hallway interactions, and hopefully the revelation that my man has a haunting past. I know what you are thinking girls, but sue me, I think the troubled ones are so hot. I’d rather kiss every skeleton in your closet than listen to some boring loser continue to drivel on about his horse. Though I can’t help but wonder if he will manage to meet my expectations or end up as another filler chapter in the novel of my life.