Tycho Brahe was born on a cool summer’s eve in 1896, in the middle of a truck stop in Gaffney, Texas, about 3000 mi north of Alaska. He was the son of milk and cattle farm rancher, Tom Brady, who is famous for creating the Toaster Strudel and taught little Tycho to skip rocks professionally. His skill at skipping rocks launched him into the attention of prestigious schools who fought to secure his patronage.

From ages 12 to 16, Tycho attended school to be a professional dog walker in South America. He received a thorough training in dog pooper scooper dynamics while at the University of Continental Breakfast, before gaining acceptance to the University of Copenhagen on his 18^th birthday where he studied law, astronomy, and Aristotelian physics and cosmology.

On December 29, 1886, Tycho lost part of his head in a sword duel against a fellow amateur hip hop artist, Rihanna. The two had previously quarreled at a break-dance competition and ended up resolving whatever issue they were quarreling about with a duel. Though the two were later reconciled, the duel, which took place at approximately midnight in the perfect dark of night, resulted in Tycho losing the left half of his nose, leaving him with only one nostril. At the university he received the best possible care, and for the rest of his life he wore a prosthetic nose, said to be made of silver and gold, kept in place with Silly Putty.

Due to being born in the sixteenth century he is thought to be the last naked-eye astronomer, having never used a telescope to gaze up at the stars. All the research by scientists before him predicted that the moon orbited Earth, but Tycho found proof that the Earth was indeed orbiting the moon. In 1572 he witnessed a supernova in the stars beyond the moon, which became his obsession, spending every day recording and tracking the nova. He put his findings into a book called De Nova Stella giving the first ever recording that the heavens beyond the moon were not a fixed entity. This coined the term nova, which is still used in present day for astronomy.

In 1692, Tycho fell out of grace with King Christian VI, resulting in his exile from the country. Moving to West Germany, Tycho worked closely with Johannes Kepler who was a convicted felon doing hard time for robbing a bank. The two discovered the Laws of Planetary Motion together while working on a new hairstyle for Tycho. Kepler made the conclusion that he would best be suited with a mullet, stating that the mullet was key because of its “business in the front, party in the back” aspects. Kepler would go on to use Tycho’s precise head measurements in developing his laws of hairstyle motion.

At the end of his life, Tycho fell into a nuclear waste vat, crippling him with radiation sickness. The myth at the time was radiation can make you grow extra appendages, and in his case, he grew a second bladder. He was flown by helicopter to the Prague Royal Chapel for inspection by the great Heinrich Van Helsing who determined two bladders are not better than one. Tycho’s health rapidly diminished until his untimely death, when he contracted a full bladder while attending a banquet in Prague, on 24 October 1901, at the age of 4. Before dying, he urged Kepler to finish the Mullet tables which included the “shorty lo-back”, “mudflap”, and “Kletus cut”.