By Tamara T. Butler, Ph.D.
I love this reminder to pick up my water bottle, apply some sunscreen (yes, melanated bodies need UV protection), and get outside. This and Shrill (on Hulu) remind me that health is more than water, vitamin D and snacking on almonds. For me, healthy is about re-learning who I am in this moment and who/what I need to maintain a sense of self that is sustainable, reflexive and emotionally mature. What I offer here are reflections and practices that might be on my “healthy” care tag at this point in my life. I encourage you to, as Chani Nicholas writes, “Take what works for you, leave the rest.”
Needs Connections to Grow.
In my first year at Xavier University of Louisiana, I joined the Chemistry Club because I was a embracing my inner nerd: I loved science and wanted to meet like-minded people. Through Club events, such as the cookie periodic table on the Yard or Science Day at the local science museum, I met Xavierites and New Orleanians, all while sharpening my own knowledge of chemistry. Eventually, my next-door-neighbor-soon-to-be-lifelong-friend, Lauren invited me to church, which led to different kinds of connections. I grew up in church: Hebron Zion Presbyterian Church during the school year and Rush Temple AME Zion in the summertime. In going to church with Lauren, I forged new friendships, new connections to the city and my own spiritual connections with Christ. Since college, I’ve lived in 2 cities. By joining organizations, trying out new events, volunteering and getting involved in a local church, I sought out spaces where I felt welcomed and encouraged to grow. Each time I try something new, I learn more about who I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
For reminders, I check out The Good Girl Podcast.
Loves Snail Mail.
During my first 2 years at Xavier, my mom had the best timing: she always sent cookies from Nancy’s Corner (a bakery not too far from campus) when things started to feel hard. Church members would send small packages or notes of encouragement. Aside from the air conditioning, there was no better feeling than entering St. Katherine Drexel’s dorm, checking my mailbox and finding a letter or package. Technology makes it (or makes it feel) easier to stay in touch with people we care and think about. Take time to send godparents or grandparents a postcard (if you can find one). Visit your local CVS/Walgreens/Target, print out some of your pictures, buy/make a card (I live for a Michaels sale), and talk a walk to the post office. If you’re feeling fancy, send them photos using Shutterfly. Whatever you do, take a break and let someone know you’re thinking about them.
For reminders, I follow Alexandra Elle.
Schedules Check-ins.
Put phone calls on your calendar. Schedule time to do something outside. Make an invite/evite and send it to the people you want to see. Any Friday that we had money, Lianne (my roommate), Lauren (my friend who lived next door), and I would make a trek to the Smoothie King a few blocks from our dorm. This much needed break was a chance to catch up while stretching our legs, browsing the finest apparel at Rainbow, all while solidifying dinner plans and sipping pre-dinner shakes. As a new faculty member, I am grateful for colleagues who invited me over for snacks on the deck, dinner with their families or make-your-own-pizza movie nights. To ensure that we stay in touch, I send calendar invites to Sunday phone calls/snack time FaceTime. Make time for who is important to you.
For reminders, I have accountability partners.
Thrives in check-out.
In the school-work-work-work routine, we forget to make time for ourselves. You are important to others, and you are important to you. My check-out routine: no emails after 5pm on Friday. I try not to open my app to resist the urge to respond. I use that time to unplug myself from my makeshift office and get outside. Within the past 2 months, I’ve joined a 5K training group, returned to outdoor barre classes, and started taking advantage of free outdoor fitness classes. I also spend my check-out time at local nurseries looking for plants I can actually take care of (translation: will survive if I forget to water them one week). Above all, I take naps and/or go to bed early. As a grad student, daytime naps meant was productive and focused during my writing time (11pm-5am). No stores were open. There was nothing on TV. Most importantly: no one was going to call or text me. I learned to enjoy the wee hours of the morning.
For reminders, I follow The Nap Ministry and GirlTrek.
Seeks professionals.
While I love my friends, they are not my therapists—and they shouldn’t be. They might be excellent confidants, who are insightful and wise human beings with great advice (that you just didn’t take #Alanis). They also might not be. (See Taylor Gold’s “8 Reasons Your Friends (and Twitter) Should Never Replace Therapy”). As a graduate student, I realized it was not fair to keep complaining to friends and family about the woes of trying to write a dissertation, venting about the stress of part-time jobs in retail, or sulking over an ex-boyfriend who they sensed was trouble from day one. As a result, I sought out a therapist. Each week, I met with a professionally-trained specialist who could be a sounding board, offer objective advice, and challenge me through questions. They helped me develop strategies for how I engage the world in sustainable and practical ways.
For reminders, I follow Therapy for Black Girls.
If we are “houseplants with complicated emotions,” what would our care tag say? What do you need to keep you growing and thriving, especially in the age of social distancing?
Dr. Tamara Butler is the director of the Avery Research Center. You can follow the Avery here.