This photo was taken March 27, 2021, during my Sophomore year of high school. My mom had asked me and my older sister Sydney to pose in front of Randolph Hall in the Cistern yard. On a seemingly warm day at the College of Charleston, my sister and I put on our best smiles and posed for the picture, waiting for it to be sent to the rest of my family back in Massachusetts.
My mom, my sister and I had been touring colleges during the spring in hopes of finding the right one for my sister. This was her senior year of high school and had high hopes of attending a college she would soon love. As seen in the photo, it looks as though she had found the right one.
However, this was a period of my life that I am not fond of reminiscing about. I felt lost in the world, and was deeply saddened about my sister leaving for college. Despite seeming happy in the photo, I was quite the opposite.
From the perspective of a famous Neo-Freudian psychologist, Erik Erikson, my 15 year old self had been going through a stage of life that is known as “Identity vs. Role Confusion”. This stage in life, typically encountered by adolescent individuals, is a period of time where people ask the age-old question, “Who am I?” It is a question that remains virtually unknown even as people age, however it is an essential question during this time frame. Individuals are shifting from a sense of innocence, to a position with high responsibility and maturity. Albeit, if an individual is able to gather a general sense of self, they successfully develop an awareness of identity. On the other hand, if an individual has a difficult time discovering this sense of self, it could potentially impede their personality development.
Despite experiencing this critical stage of development, I struggled. I struggled with school, friends, family, essentially everything. In a period of intense covid restrictions and limited access to the outside world, I had lost everything of myself that I had once had; I had no motivation or passion for my future. I attended half of my virtual classes while turning in most of my assignments in weeks late. I talked to friends over the phone, yet to me it was nowhere near the same as seeing them in person, so I had stopped talking to many of them. All I had was my family. I had a strong love for my family, but I understood that I couldn’t depend on them if I wanted to understand my sense of self in this world.
Certain aspects of identity stem from biological predispositions, where most of who we are is due to how we are chemically conditioned. However, as the book Reading Autobiography Now, by Sidonie Smith and Julia Watson, “As Scott argued for experience, so for identities. They are constructed. They are in language. They are discursive. They are not essential – born, inherited, or natural – though much in social organization leads us to regard identity as given and fixed” (pg. 65). Identity is still determined by much of what and who we surround ourselves with. I will argue that part of who we are stems from our brain structure, but I agree with the fact that our environment takes a huge toll on our identities. Humans are social creatures with an instinct to create relationships and bonds with others. If that aspect of an individual is taken away, how can they develop a sense of self?
This is the problem I had faced during this period of my life; I had grown to isolate myself from others, only remaining close to my family. I had lost a huge chunk of my former self, as most of my personality came from my peers, sports, and even school.
Despite the importance of one’s family, if an individual stays too close, it can hinder their identity. In psychology, the concept of pampering exists when parents give excessive attention to their children, robbing them of their independence and causing them to develop feelings of inferiority. It is essential for a child to experience life on their own.
In relation to this parental influence, it seems when pampering occurs, it removes the ability for a child to have agency. Smith and Watson claim that “As Bessel Van der Kolk observes, agency is a ‘technical term for the feeling of being in charge of your life… knowing where you stand, knowing that you have a say in what happens to you, knowing that you have some ability to shape your circumstances’” (Smith & Watson 94). Agency is when an individual has control over their life and is essential to creating a sense of identity, considering one must have authority in deciding what they want to involve themselves in.
This loss of agency through parental influence can be seen in Safiya Sinclair’s memoir, How to Say Babylon. Her father is very controlling of Sinclair, governing her every move and making sure she grows up to be his ideal Rasta daughter. As Sinclair finds herself in a position of doing so, she states “As I grew older, I knew I would never be his perfect Rasta daughter… But even as I ripped my dress on these doubting thorns, I knew his path was the righteous path… so I followed him closely… But in this place I had no voice – no matter how loudly I tried to be heard, all that came out was a lone mute breath” (Sinclair 127). As she conforms to her father’s authority, she loses her sense of self and her overall sense of power; she is simply a shadow. Sinclair then develops feelings of worthlessness, where her purpose seems to diminish as her teenage years exist, supporting another famous Neo-Freudian psychologist, Alfred Adler’s theory of pampering.
I found myself in a similar position. I had grown to let my family take control of my life, considering I had no motivation to do so. Although they acted differently than Sinclair’s parents, offering me love and care, I became dependent on others, losing my sense of independence and individuality. I grew further and further away from uncovering my identity. As a girl that once looked at the world with hope and belonging, my sophomore year self no longer wanted to be a part of it.
Identity and agency are two crucial aspects of life that should be focused on as we develop. From both my experience and Safiya Sinclair’s it shapes more than individual identity; it shapes purpose, motivation, happiness, and acceptance. I think our awareness of both should be heightened in order to improve quality of life.
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